Rebirth
A white wolf, her face obscured by shadow, turned towards a bridge, casting a glance over her shoulder in my direction. The Moon was waxing full, casting long shadows from the trees, and the stars sparkled brightly as I shivered in the early dawn chill. It was then that I noticed a silver egg as she opened her mouth; it lay there like a pearl. Suddenly, she tossed the egg in the air, and it bounced down an embankment into a swiftly flowing creek. Amidst the night sounds—a distant owl hooting, and traffic humming in the distance—I found myself awake inside of my dream, calling out to the wolf, "What do I need to know?" I'm pretty sure she winked at me as she slipped underneath the arch of the bridge, and I awoke.
I pay attention to my dreams. I discovered that I’m a lucid dreamer. I've gotten amazing information that checks out if I follow up on it. I've caught cancer before it did any destruction through progressive dreams over five years. The hardest part of that was convincing medical people to listen to me. And yes, I went to medical school; I’m a medical person too.
Sometimes I see illness before it happens, but most often it's just really cool technicolor dreams, in which I have many different plots and subplots and mysteries to solve.
I was telling somebody about my memories of childhood and described the many instances of being alone, with fairies, in nature singing at the top of my lungs while I ran through fields, climbed trees, and curled up beneath the sumac bushes. I was fortunate to live in nature and to be on a lake that my father had bought. It was swampy and he/we the kids, cleaned it out and made it a heavenly place to grow up.
He had the foresight to buy some property that was swampy and affordable. I learned about team work, good honest hard work and the satisfaction of a job well done. I think that we often get gifts to balance out that which is challenging for us. Living in the heart of nature is what allows me to look back at that time with fondness and gratitude.
I told her about how I created aquatic worlds as I laid on my stomach on the wooden dock, staring into the water, creating different realms and creature personalities that fueled my creativity and created calm and peace within me. I was asked how it was to be an only child by the person who wanted me to describe my childhood. I responded, “Oh no, I’m one of 10!”
My comment surprised me. Although coming from a large Catholic family was how I self-identified for many years, some of my greatest memories were activities I did alone in nature or with my little posse of unseen magical beings.
One of the many cool things about aging is that you’ve been on the planet long enough to begin to see these interesting patterns of your life. Suddenly you see concrete patterns and arcs that make sense, as you put everything into a retrofit container.
It could be that there’s so much light on the planet now, that the self-awareness and more organized sense of meaning of life are more apparent. My sister chided me after I returned from a 30-year life journey. She said I ran away from home. I replied, ”No, I saved myself.”
It’s taken until now to realize that I do have an arc in my life. A soul purpose that may have been about learning how to be a strong, sovereign woman within a world that doesn’t accept different.
I spent 34 years as a medical bridge aligning deep spiritual concepts and heart-based philosophies with allopathic medicine and healing and insurance-based care. It has been an amazing journey, yet also a path which is doubly hard because I have to work in a way that covers my light with normalcy.
Staying in this mainstream lane sacrificed some of my ability to stay original to my wild and wacky self. My true inner self is wearing multicolored stickup hair and doing backflips just for the heck of it. Outside I’m organizing employees, making payroll, filing insurance and reporting to Medicare. These are very important parts of connecting whole-body care to the community. I loved it. I felt like I was normal for the first time in my life after I got into PT school.
I realized that this was a big grown-up world and I couldn’t be that busker on the street, or a a laughing mime/clown that loves jokes. I was co-class president. I discovered that my dad gave me some really amazing brain cells and I could study and learn anything I want. It was an amazing elixir, and I took off into a world of joy and knowledge in quantum physics. I normalized myself and created success. I did well because I knew how to wrap things tight. Nobody could get in. Until someone did. But that’s another story.
I believe that was the beginning of my conventionalization. And it served me well. I shaved my legs, I got tattoo eyeliner, and I learned how to enjoy country-western dancing. I suppose looking back, I spent much of my life avoiding the parts of my family who had a difficult time excepting who I was. My parents tried to strap me into some religious conventionality and break my spirit.
My older siblings used to mock me, calling me a brown nose or give a show projector, too emotional.You know the same thing many highly sensitive people or empaths experienced in childhood. I don’t think people really knew what to make of special kids 60 years ago. I’ve only recently understood that I have pretty significant ADHD. My spiritual therapist asked me, “You really didn’t have ADHD on your radar?” Nope. That’s people I treat, not me. Apparently people with dyslexia, hypermobility/EDS quite commonly have anxiety, ADHD sleep issues, psychic abilities and are generally very intuitive. Who knew? I grew up with an ability to lock down my emotions tight as a drum. You can imagine how awful it felt to be mocked for my sensitivities when even stepping on an ant was painful. I toughened up. I remember in my theater days when we would give massages in a circle, people would comment on how my back felt like a brick. I was well braced.
People call me resilient. I believe that when you’re calling somebody resilient it means that person has gone through a lot of things and come out okay or even better. I consider myself one of those fortunate people that was born happy with the gift of resilience. I’m very grateful for those attributes. I was very fortunate to be able to walk to my school in first through sixth grade. I was able to connect with the nuns, go to church, and feed my spiritual soul. I stopped off at some of the neighborhood ladies' homes for snacks, crocheted gloves, and cookies filled with grandma love. The rest of the time was spent in nature with my posse of the unseen fairies angels and whatnots.
Seventh grade broke me. The bullying was intense, yet in those days, that was never talked about. All I felt was shame about what I wore for clothes, my size, and the constant snapping of my trainer bra in the lunch line. I took a detour into the cool kid territory where I stood on the outside always looking in, hoping to be noticed, hoping to be loved. Drugs and alcohol were part of that until I had my first NDE and was given a choice to change my friends or exit. I rediscovered theater, and that was my life for the next 15 years.
Lately, I’ve been dreaming of cocoons or mummified objects. I think back about the silver egg that my wolf presented to me. In my dream, it was swirling down the stream. I've had many interpretations of that dream, and they all relate to rebirth, a new life, and a coming out of the shell. I find myself drawing pictures of swirling lines and small limbs peeping out from between the wrappings reaching out towards the light.
Becoming self and becoming whole.
I sometimes think that I’ve been wrapped up for most of my life. Every good astrological reading that I’ve had over the decades has told me that my real soul work begins in my 60s. I laughed it off then, not understanding how they could possibly be able to teach, write, and use my intuitive healing gifts as a profession. Astrology is really amazing stuff. There’s so much we don’t know.
When I returned to my home state of Minnesota almost 18 years ago, it was to heal from an emotionally devastating and violent marriage and to live close to family. My tightly wrapped soul is only now beginning to unfurl—to test the waters. The timing is right; the world is singing to a different frequency and nothing is ‘normal’ as we live in these historic times. My silver egg—Homo-Luminous—was tossed into the swift creek. The wolf showed up and let me know—it was time to wake up.
And then, I had another little NDE to set me on my way.
This time, I received a swag bag of amazing gifts. They’ve needed time to marinate, and I’m learning some new skills. At the time of writing this, it’s been 10 months, and I’m still integrating the experience. I’ve written about that in another series, but the main point of it was that if I wanted to exit the planet, it would’ve been a life well-lived, and it had been pre-planned. I got the sense that I checked a lot of boxes and had accomplished the soul growth tasks that I had wanted to experience. I was given free choice to stay and set aside my conventional clothing while manifesting my Aquarian quirky and unconventional behavior—I’m a double Aquarian, by the way—using some of my unique skills and blending known and unknown into something that would be extremely fun, exciting, and different. II stayed. And so I begin. Again.
I came across this from Matt Licata, and it reminded me that coming home to my own true self was always the best idea and the right choice. I would love to share it with you.
“The next time you notice you’ve turned against yourself, tangled in a looping storyline about how you’ve failed, how you’re not enough, how there is something wrong with you... Slow way down. Allow your center of gravity to drop, directing your energy and awareness toward the ground. Feel your feet on the earth. Before you abandon yourself and your embodied vulnerability—parachuting into the unstable waters of shame and blame—sense the roots extending out of the bottom of your feet and into the mud and the womb and the holding field underneath you. In just this one moment, you are being asked to care for yourself in a new way, to see behind the veil, to cleanse your perception, and with compassion, to encode a new pathway. To provide a home, a sanctuary for the emotional and somatic world to unfold and be held. With the ally of the breath, shift your precious life energy out of the overwhelming narrative, for it is no longer safe there. It is neither nuanced, nor subtle, nor majestic enough to honor what you are and the intelligence of the ally and Friend as it courses through you. Open into your belly, your heart, your throat, and the holiness of your nervous system. Place your hand onto the rippling life and listen. Taking a few deep breaths, ask: what is wanting to be met now? To be known? To be birthed and touched in this moment? What is the wisdom of the soul, in its creative unfolding, longing for me to feel and metabolize? In what way am I being asked to care for the vulnerable, the tender, and the shaky within me? With curiosity, patience, and mercy, see the ways you leave the embodied world of pure feeling, bailing on your vulnerability as you escape back into the conditioned, old, unsafe narrative of complaint, resentment, shame, blame, and self-attack. Return home. While it may feel as if you are longing for something outside you, in these moments, you are only longing for your own presence. For safety where it was unsafe. Companionship where you were lonely. Reassurance where you were afraid. For you need yourself now more than ever. This world needs you now more than ever.”
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A white wolf, her face obscured by shadow, looked at me over her shoulder as she turned towards a bridge.
The Moon was waxing full as trees cast long shadows, and the stars were bright as I shivered in the early dawn chill. I noticed a silver egg as she opened her mouth; it lay there like a pearl. Suddenly, she tossed the egg in the air, where it bounced down an embankment and into a swiftly flowing creek. I could hear the night sounds—a distant owl, traffic some miles away. I was awake inside of my dream and called out to the wolf, "What do I need to know?" I'm pretty sure she winked at me as she slipped underneath the arch of the bridge, and I awoke.
I pay attention to my dreams. I discovered that I’m a lucid dreamer. I've gotten amazing information that checks out if I follow up on it. I've caught cancer before it did any destruction through progressive dreams over five years. The hardest part of that was convincing medical people to listen to me. And yes, I went to medical school; I’m a medical person too.
Sometimes I see illness before it happens, but most often it's just really cool technicolor dreams, in which I have many different plots and subplots and mysteries to solve.
I was telling somebody about my memories of childhood and described the many instances of being alone, with fairies, in nature singing at the top of my lungs while I ran through fields, climbed trees, and curled up beneath the sumac bushes. I was fortunate to live in nature and to be on a lake that my father had bought. It was swampy and he/we the kids, cleaned it out and made it a heavenly place to grow up.he foresight to buy some property that was swampy and affordable. I learned about team work, good honest hard work and the satisfaction of a job well done. I think that we often get gifts to balance out that which is challenging for us. Living in the heart of nature is what allows me to look back at that time with fondness and gratitude.
I told her about how I created aquatic worlds as I laid on my stomach on the wooden dock, staring into the water, creating different realms and creature personalities that fueled my creativity and created calm and peace within me. I was asked how it was to be an only child by the person who wanted me to describe my childhood. I responded, “Oh no, I’m one of 10!”
My comment surprised me. Although coming from a large Catholic family was how I self-identified for many years, some of my greatest memories were activities I did alone in nature or with my little posse of unseen magical beings.
One of the many cool things about aging is that you’ve been on the planet long enough to begin to see these interesting patterns of your life. Suddenly you see concrete patterns and arcs that make sense, as you put everything into a retrofit container.
It could be that there’s so much light on the planet now, that the self-awareness and more organized sense of meaning of life are more apparent. My sister chided me after I returned from a 30-year life journey. She said I ran away from home. I replied, ”No, I saved myself.”
It’s taken until now to realize that I do have an arc in my life. A soul purpose that may have been about learning how to be a strong, sovereign woman within a world that doesn’t accept different.
I spent 34 years as a medical bridge aligning deep spiritual concepts and heart-based philosophies with allopathic medicine and healing and insurance-based care. It has been an amazing journey, yet also a path which is doubly hard because I have to work in a way that covers my light with normalcy.
Staying in this mainstream lane sacrificed some of my ability to stay original to my wild and wacky self. My true inner self is wearing multicolored stickup hair and doing backflips just for the heck of it. Outside I’m organizing employees, making payroll, filing insurance and reporting to Medicare. These are very important parts of connecting whole-body care to the community. I loved it. I felt like I was normal for the first time in my life after I got into PT school.
I realized that this was a big grown-up world and I couldn’t be that busker on the street, or a a laughing mime/clown that loves jokes. I was co-class president. I discovered that my dad gave me some really amazing brain cells and I could study and learn anything I want. It was an amazing elixir, and I took off into a world of joy and knowledge in quantum physics. I normalized myself and created success. I did well because I knew how to wrap things tight. Nobody could get in. Until someone did. But that’s another story.
I believe that was the beginning of my conventionalization. And it served me well. I shaved my legs, I got tattoo eyeliner, and I learned how to enjoy country-western dancing. I suppose looking back, I spent much of my life avoiding the parts of my family who had a difficult time excepting who I was. My parents tried to strap me into some religious conventionality and break my spirit.
My older siblings used to mock me, calling me a brown nose or give a show projector, too emotional.You know the same thing many highly sensitive people or empaths experienced in childhood. I don’t think people really knew what to make of special kids 60 years ago. I’ve only recently understood that I have pretty significant ADHD. My spiritual therapist asked me, “You really didn’t have ADHD on your radar?” Nope. That’s people I treat, not me. Apparently people with dyslexia, hypermobility/EDS quite commonly have anxiety, ADHD sleep issues, psychic abilities and are generally very intuitive. Who knew? I grew up with an ability to lock down my emotions tight as a drum. You can imagine how awful it felt to be mocked for my sensitivities when even stepping on an ant was painful. I toughened up. I remember in my theater days when we would give massages in a circle, people would comment on how my back felt like a brick. I was well braced.
People call me resilient. I believe that when you’re calling somebody resilient it means that person has gone through a lot of things and come out okay or even better. I consider myself one of those fortunate people that was born happy with the gift of resilience. I’m very grateful for those attributes. I was very fortunate to be able to walk to my school in first through sixth grade. I was able to connect with the nuns, go to church, and feed my spiritual soul. I stopped off at some of the neighborhood ladies' homes for snacks, crocheted gloves, and cookies filled with grandma love. The rest of the time was spent in nature with my posse of the unseen fairies angels and whatnots.
Seventh grade broke me. The bullying was intense, yet in those days, that was never talked about. All I felt was shame about what I wore for clothes, my size, and the constant snapping of my trainer bra in the lunch line. I took a detour into the cool kid territory where I stood on the outside always looking in, hoping to be noticed, hoping to be loved. Drugs and alcohol were part of that until I had my first NDE and was given a choice to change my friends or exit. I rediscovered theater, and that was my life for the next 15 years.
Lately, I’ve been dreaming of cocoons or mummified objects. I think back about the silver egg that my wolf presented to me. In my dream, it was swirling down the stream. I've had many interpretations of that dream, and they all relate to rebirth, a new life, and a coming out of the shell. I find myself drawing pictures of swirling lines and small limbs peeping out from between the wrappings reaching out towards the light.
Becoming self and becoming whole.
I sometimes think that I’ve been wrapped up for most of my life. Every good astrological reading that I’ve had over the decades has told me that my real soul work begins in my 60s. I laughed it off then, not understanding how they could possibly be able to teach, write, and use my intuitive healing gifts as a profession. Astrology is really amazing stuff. There’s so much we don’t know.
When I returned to my home state of Minnesota almost 18 years ago, it was to heal from an emotionally devastating and violent marriage and to live close to family. My tightly wrapped soul is only now beginning to unfurl—to test the waters. The timing is right; the world is singing to a different frequency and nothing is ‘normal’ as we live in these historic times. My silver egg—Homo-Luminous—was tossed into the swift creek. The wolf showed up and let me know—it was time to wake up.
And then, I had another little NDE to set me on my way.
This time, I received a swag bag of amazing gifts. They’ve needed time to marinate, and I’m learning some new skills. At the time of writing this, it’s been 10 months, and I’m still integrating the experience. I’ve written about that in another series, but the main point of it was that if I wanted to exit the planet, it would’ve been a life well-lived, and it had been pre-planned. I got the sense that I checked a lot of boxes and had accomplished the soul growth tasks that I had wanted to experience. I was given free choice to stay and set aside my conventional clothing while manifesting my Aquarian quirky and unconventional behavior—I’m a double Aquarian, by the way—using some of my unique skills and blending known and unknown into something that would be extremely fun, exciting, and different. I stayed. And so I begin. Again.
I came across this from Matt Licata, and it reminded me that coming home to my own true self was always the best idea and the right choice. I would love to share it with you.
“The next time you notice you’ve turned against yourself, tangled in a looping storyline about how you’ve failed, how you’re not enough, how there is something wrong with you... Slow way down. Allow your center of gravity to drop, directing your energy and awareness toward the ground. Feel your feet on the earth. Before you abandon yourself and your embodied vulnerability—parachuting into the unstable waters of shame and blame—sense the roots extending out of the bottom of your feet and into the mud and the womb and the holding field underneath you. In just this one moment, you are being asked to care for yourself in a new way, to see behind the veil, to cleanse your perception, and with compassion, to encode a new pathway. To provide a home, a sanctuary for the emotional and somatic world to unfold and be held. With the ally of the breath, shift your precious life energy out of the overwhelming narrative, for it is no longer safe there. It is neither nuanced, nor subtle, nor majestic enough to honor what you are and the intelligence of the ally and Friend as it courses through you. Open into your belly, your heart, your throat, and the holiness of your nervous system. Place your hand onto the rippling life and listen. Taking a few deep breaths, ask: what is wanting to be met now? To be known? To be birthed and touched in this moment? What is the wisdom of the soul, in its creative unfolding, longing for me to feel and metabolize? In what way am I being asked to care for the vulnerable, the tender, and the shaky within me? With curiosity, patience, and mercy, see the ways you leave the embodied world of pure feeling, bailing on your vulnerability as you escape back into the conditioned, old, unsafe narrative of complaint, resentment, shame, blame, and self-attack. Return home. While it may feel as if you are longing for something outside you, in these moments, you are only longing for your own presence. For safety where it was unsafe. Companionship where you were lonely. Reassurance where you were afraid. For you need yourself now more than ever. This world needs you now more than ever.”